Stop hiding the real me.

I have struggled a lot over the years and it has occurred to me recently that I have been hiding the real me. I am not sure why although I have a few ideas of what caused me to "be ashamed" of who I really am. I real point is that I have realized that not being myself because of the fear of what other people think of me has done nothing but make me unhappy. You see I have ever since a young age always found pleasure and an inner joy and satisfaction in helping people and causes that need the help. A trait that I am 110% sure I inherited from my Grandmother. You see my grandmother was a truly caring person. She spent hours doing volunteer work, fundraising and what ever else needed to be done. I remember when I was young in school and we did different fundraising events I was always so excited to get started and see who well I could do or how much I could raise for what ever cause we were raising money for. One of my favourites when I was really little was Jump Rope for Heart. I loved collecting money and the morning of the actual event was always like Christmas for me.

That never really changed for me I am not sure how old I was but I do remember once joining my uncle in a bowl-a-thon. I think I was in elementary school still and they gave me only one sponsor sheet and I filled it and had to ask for more. I was so proud of myself and loved going and bowling with my uncle and his co workers. I gave me such joy to know that I had helped raise money for Sick Kids Hospital and that I was helping other children.

Over the years life has gotten busy but I still tried to always find time to raise money and in most cases walk 5k for different causes. Brest Cancer has become a big one for me. Last year I walked the 5k for breast cancer in honour of my husbands Grandmother. She was an amazing lady and I am glad to have known her. This was a big one for me. Not only was I walking in her honour but I was 20 weeks pregnant with our second daughter. I didn't raise as much as I would have liked but I was still very proud of myself for completing the 5k. I have also started walking the 5k every year for Suicide prevention and awareness in memory of my uncle. This one is very important to me as well because all the money raised helps keep programs running in my local area.

It is not just the raising money and walking that I enjoy but I watch the news and the horrible suffering in this world and it breaks my heart. It makes me want to cry and in a lot of cases if I am alone it does make me cry. I know there are so many things that we can not control in this world but on the other hand there is so many things that we can if we take a stand together I truly believe that things can be changed.

Things in this world have become the way they have because one person or a group of people wanted things this way. And so they put their all behind it and over time things changed (not always for the good) The internet and technology is a perfect example of this. Look at Facebook or Twitter they have become the norm. I have heard people complaining about how people don't communicate anymore and people don't actually talk anymore. And in many ways they are right but that will only change if they make a change.

I have spent a lot of time this year (as short as it has been) on twitter and yes I know I was just talking about this but I have spent the last week removing some of the people I was following (the garbage I will call them) and started following more inspiring people. Most of who I follow are celebrity's and I am sure that may seem silly or shallow but I do not follow these individuals because of what they do for a living I follow them because of what they believe in and what they are passionate about. They are just fortunate enough to have the influence and resources to make people notice.

I have also come across some really amazing organizations and non-profit groups that have in many ways inspired me to stop hiding who I really am inside. What it is that really makes me happy. Someone a few years ago who I will admit influences my life in a big way called me a "crusader" now I may have taken this the wrong way but I think in a lot of ways that comment made me hide who I am. I stopped trying so hard to make a difference, I stopped doing what I could to make a difference in the lives of others, I even stopped watching the current events that have happened in this world because in some way I felt I was being judged.

I have vowed to myself to change a lot of things about myself that I am not happy with this year. I have a great support group behind me and I have decided that this is also going to be one of those things that I am going to change "back" in a way.

I recently told a friend of mine that I feel as though I have become the worst version of myself. I am going to spend this year finding the best possible version of myself. So I guess what I really want to say is this. If you are close to me and my life you will see some major changes in my and my attitude this year. Please do not judge or think that I am being something that I am not. Because you will be wrong The person I am about to become is the best possible version of Shawna. The person who I have pushed so far down inside that I hope I will be able to find her. I just hope that in the end the person I aspire to be you will not have crushed and left. If I am standing alone at the end of this journey I will be ok with that but I would rather share this journey with people that believe in me. most of all I want to share this journey with people who want to stand with me and become the best possible version of themselves.